Bittersweet Day

Today’s the 14th anniversary of my Daddy’s death. It’s weird how grief works. It changes all the time, it seems. Last night on my way home from church, I spotted the brightest solo star in the sky and smiled. . . at the same time, “I’ll Fly Away” came on the radio. A could totally feel God’s presence, reminding me, yet again, that Daddy is better than ever. Each year, I find myself more and more surprised that it still hurts. But it’s different each time, too. I miss him for different reasons. . .

- I’m sad that he doesn’t know Tim or Brian. He missed the joy of seeing his daughters marry and be wives and love.

- Now that I know a happy marriage, I am sad that he took that from my momma when he left us.

- Daddy didn’t get to see Jenn’s precious pregnant belly, get to fight me and momma for a chance to feel Ellie kick or hiccup. Daddy missed our singing session the other night; we sang “Jesus Loves the Little Children” to Ellie.

- He won’t ever get to hold Ellie, get to love on her, and watch her grow like we all can’t wait to do.

- The state of our financial economy really makes me want to have a good conversation with him. Even though I’m in the same profession he was in, we never really talked about it (I was 14, you know, there were much more important things to talk about, if I was talking to my Daddy at all).

- I don’t know the father – adult daughter relationship. I always have an awkwardness about me anytime I interact with adult men. . . well not anytime but if it’s on a personal level versus a work level, I feel it. I can’t really explain it.

The bottom line is I still miss him. I guess I always will. This will forever be a day that just kind of leaves me unsettled and sad. Grief is just a strange thing. . . . this song hit me hard the other day. It totally explains how much more precious Heaven becomes when loved ones are there.

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times

And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you

But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry

Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways

The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know

But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same

Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye

And in Christ, there is no end

So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have

To see you again. To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face

If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

MercyMe